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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 24, 2011 2:30am-3:00am PDT

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there is something different about you mike. (phone vibrating) yeah. dave! you tell april i wasn't going to make it? i gotcha covered bro. i love you man. hornitos premium tequila. purer than your intentions. >> that's our show. here it is, your moament of zen. >> art and literature are often the first targets of tyranny because they're the most prominent f captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen) >> stephen: oh, that's great. oh, that's lovely. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please. folks, i've got to say, that kind of... (cheers and applause) that kind of cheering for me... (cheers and applause) please. oh, please. folks, i've got to say, that kind of cheering for me, that's really how i relieve stress. (laughter) now, nation, i hope you're sitting down. unless you're giving me a standing ovation at home, in which case take your time. (laughter) the rest of you, brace yourself,
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because last night newt gingrich posted this on facebook. "be sure to watch hannity this wednesday at 9:00 p.m. eastern, i will be on to talk about my run for president of the united states." this is huge news! (laughter) huge-headed news! (laughter) because, folks, clearly after months of speculation, newt gingrich has finally announced that tomorrow he will be making an announcement. (laughter) this is the preannouncement announcement we've all been pre-waiting for. (laughter) i haven't been this excited since march when newt made the pre-preannouncement that he would be entering an exploratory phase. (laughter) which i believe means that he and his candidacy have agreed to an open marriage. (laughter) of course, newt isn't the only republican candidate who's throwing his oversized hat into the ring where he will then pick it up and throw it into another
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more important ring. (laughter) so is donald trump who... folks, has got to be careful when he throws his hat so his hair doesn't go with it. (laughter) (applause) trump has announced that on the season finale of "celebrity apprentice" he may announce a future press conference to announce his announcement. oh, the rare announcement announcement announcement. (laughter) that's one more level of announcement than newt's announcement-announcement. and, folks, there is little doubt what trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run-- in his mind. (laughter) in his mind! that means he's a shoe-in, because that's where all his supporters are. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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nation, trump, trump! trump! (crowd chanting "trump") no, it doesn't really work. needs two syllables. nation, unless you spent the last week living in a cave, you know we killed osama bin laden. (cheers and applause) by the way, if you do live in a cave, the navy seals are on the way, so enjoy that left eye while you can (audience reacts) now, democrats... too soon? (laughter) democrats credit obama. conservatives credit george w. bush. peruvian president alan garcia knows who's really responsible for this righteous kill. >> (translated): it makes me happy. it gives me pleasure to think what it means for the beatification of pope john paul ii. >> (translated): osama bin laden? >> (translated): i have said that the pope's first miracle has been to remove from the earth this demonic incarnation
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of evil and hatred (audience reacts). >> stephen: that's right. pope john paul ii killed bin laden (laughter and applause) see, here's what he's talking about. here's what the peruvian president is talking about. the first step to sainthood is called beatification and john paul was beatified the same day bin laden was killed. which was also the same day that the memphis grizzlies won a second-round playoff game. (cheers and applause) so you can put j.c. down for two miracles. (laughter) the point is the lord works miracles everyday, you've just got to know how to spot them. this is yahweh or no way. (laughter) first up, the my vie "thor" upped this weekend. thor is, of course, the no, sir
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got of lightning, thunder, oak trees and fertility. so he's the one you want to pray to if you're about to make love to a tree in an electrical storm. we've all been there. norse. and this weekend, "thor" pulled in $66 million! the popularity of this viking god has got me worried that christians may become vi-curious. (laughter) because let's face it, there are a lot of similarities between thor and jesus. (laughter) jesus was a carpenter so they both have hammers. (laughter) and they both haddad di issues. odin exiled thor to earth to humble him and god sent jesus to earth to die for our sins. either way you're looking at a couple of pretty awkward father's days. (laughter) plus both jesus and thor are totally cut! (laughter) so the obvious theological question is could jesus take thor in a fight? yahweh or no way?
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yahweh! ♪ hallelujah... (cheers and applause) $66 million isn't bad, but jesus made $83 million the opening weekend of "the passion of the christ." sorry, thor. (laughter) does that make you thad? (laughter) you can thuck my mid-guard serpent. (cheers and applause) of course, problem is, thor is bound to have a sequel so god better bring jesus back soon and while he's at it throw him some new superpowers. he can already walk on water, but imagine thor's surprise when jesus also has jet sandals and a prehensile beard. (laughter) and jesus might be fighting thor sooner than you think, folks, because the christian group
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family radio-- hits from the '40s, '50s and 1860s-- is sending three caravans of r.v.s around america saying "save the date, return of christ, may 21, 2011." (cheers and applause) save the date? save the date? like a wedding? (laughter) i wonder if the apocalypse will be chicken or fish? (laughter) folks, this means there are only 11 shopping days until there are no shopping days. (laughter) (cheers and applause) so, question is, is is god ending the world on may 21? yahweh or no way? yahweh! (cheers and applause) ♪ hall la♪ note hallelujah...
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folks, this prophecy was made by americans, i like my doom crying homegrown. not like that mayan 2012 crap that's been sneaking across our southern borders. it's the four horsemen of the apocalypse, not the four jorges of the apocalypse (laughter and applause) plus, family radio's leader harold camping is an expert at predicting the end of the world-- in that he's done it before. he previously said the world would end on september 4, 1994. now, in his defense, that was the year the first hootie & the blowfish album came out. (laughter) i think we all prayed the end was near. (laughter) and this time camping's definitely probably got it right. here's how he does the math. noah's flood occurred 7,000 years ago and at the time god told noah that he had seven days before the flood would start. then in second peter it says
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"with the lord, a day is like a thousand years." and i'm sure in his job it is. you think creating spreadsheets is tedious? imagine coming up with a third kind of owl. (laughter) so let's see. let's check his numbers there. let's see. okay. seven days, seven days times 1,000 carry the cubit equals... (laughter) may 21. yup. (cheers and applause) and, folks, that worked out great for me, because on may 21, i will be leaving port in the on-deck charleston to bermuda race sailing my boat the audi." (laughter) so while sinners are boiling in their own juices here on solid ground, i'll be safely in international waters where god
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does not have an extradition treaty with nuclea neptune. (applause) well, that's it for tonight's edition of "yahweh or no way." and if the people of family radio are right, that's it for the last edition of yahweh or no way. save the date. ♪ [ male announcer ] when you're looking for a twist, crack open a bud light lime. ♪ it's a fraction of the hope but it's hard to control ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] the great taste of bud light, with a twist. bud light lime. all the refreshment of bud light, with a splash of 100% natural lime flavor. bud light lime.
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it's bud light. with a twist.
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! nation, it's no secret that there is nothing more dear to me than the american flag. that's why if anything ever happens to me, my flag, flagworth, is the sole beneficiary of my life insurance policy. (laughter) sadly, all across america our flags are coming under attack. well, three years ago we profiled a hero who's fighting for flag rights. tonight once again he is our difference maker. this is rancho pal los vary days, a town in southern california with only wealth and a spectacular coastline going for it. (laughter) but what it lacks the most was an enormous flagpole.
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well, not anymore. now it's got 70 feet of steel hard pole. (laughter) thrusting straight up into the american sky. arching itself toward the heights of freedom. yearning for the apex of liberty and elevated symbol of all that is right with our country. a pole that tapers to a heroic consummation dipped and topped by a throbbing brass... there we go. what! whoo, that's the kind of pole to give old glory the perch she deserves. what the shell that? i said old glory, not old dish rag! yeah! that's what i'm talking about. 400 square feet of freedom. enough to park three hummers with room to spare for 345 large orders of fries. (laughter) who has the courage and
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generosity to erect such a huge pole? a reclusive patriot who reluctantly agreed to speak with us on the condition he remain anonymous. (laughter) concerned for this deprived community, mr. trump selflessly erected the flagpole on a golf course that he, coincidentally, owns. he loves the flag. >> i'm a golfer, i love golf and i hit balls and i love to hit balls. (laughter). >> stephen: almost as much as he loves the flag. >> i built the number-one rated golf course in the state of california. better than any other course. better than pebble beach. >> stephen: mr. trump is making a difference in the face of fierce opposition from an oppressive regime. >> a flagpole is not presently legal. >> stephen: doug stern is the mayor of rancho palace verde and this is his idea of a big flag. (laughter). >> we basically regulate everything in our city without a
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variance to a height of 16 feet. >> stephen: 16 feet. >> whoever heard of such a thing? >> trump, of course, believes he doesn't need a permit to put up a flag. >> you don't need a permit to put up the american flag. >> stephen: but mayor "hates the flag" seems hung up on obeying the law. >> there is no such thing as an individual deciding they simply are above the law. >> stephen: even when the law is wrong? rosa parks taught us... (audience reacts) you sometimes have to oppose an unjust law, but the mayor says rosa parks is a criminal. >> i have never said rosa parks is a criminal. >> stephen: oh, really? let's check the tape. >> rosa parks is a criminal. (laughter) >> stephen: all this unwanted attention comes as a shock to this shy philanthropist >> i am shocked for people to be asking me to rip down the american flag is pretty tough.
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>> mr. trump has certainly accused me of having the desire to rip down the american flag. >> that's really what they're doing. they're ripping down the american flag. i just can't understand why they want this. >> you don't always have to put up a huge flag just because you can. >> stephen: mr. mayor, if there's one thing americans know: size matters. when it comes to flags or anything else that waves in the breeze. (laughter) but mayor sterns doesn't understand that the denying mr. trump his pole is very un-american. >> it really is ridiculous. >> stephen: and? >> and very un-american. >> stephen: but this difference maker is not going to give up the fight. >> i love fighting for the flag. >> stephen: it's all he talks about. >> the number-one golf course in the state of california. >> stephen: yeah, it's a nice coursement but what's important is this flag. and its message of freedom, a message as important to donald
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trump as it was to the 13 original colonies. >> i don't know what the 13 stripes represent (audience reacts) >> stephen: still, it's a nice course. >> the number-one rated golf course in the state of california. better than pebble
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight has won an emmy, a tony, and two academy awards. if he's nice, i might let him touch my golden tweet. please welcome geoffrey rush. (cheers and applause) thanks so much, please, don't get up for me. now, sir, we're going to get to the movie you're here to promote right now, stock? in just a moment. but first i have to ask you about "the king's speech." incredible performance, obviously. (cheers and applause) i could not help but notice at the end of it, though, the king still had that debilitating english accent. (laughter) you couldn't do anything about that? >> that's a colin firth problem, i think. >> stephen: it is. he... he said that the stutter
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sticks with him a little bit. do you ever find as an actor that you stick in the character that you've done for so long? >> not an ideal situation if you're playing captain barbosa. (laughter) >> stephen: right. >> i can't afford that amount of skin product. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, that guy does need an exfoal yant. >> (laughs) he does. >> stephen: this is the fourth time you're playing captain barbosa and the newest one, which is "pirates of the caribbean: on stranger tide" which opens may 20. are you a method actor? >> no. >> stephen: you're not? >> no. i'm a character actor and i like to think of it as being something where i go into a state of play. but i... you know, when the cameras stop and you're not... >> stephen: you don't go... >> ... being that person. >> stephen: you don't go "arrg, i'll be at craft services." (laughter) you drop it?
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>> i always say that. there's so many method actors that i really admire. they're on 24/7. they live and breathe the character. they don't like to drop it and that's always been my feeling that what happens if you give your best performance at the craft services table. (laughter) >> stephen: you didn't save it for the close-up. >> and when they say "action" you're kind of like... the character's being a bit depressed, you know? >> stephen: this is the fourth time you're playing barbosa, as i said before. are you afraid you might be stereotyped as a... 18th century buccaneer? (laughter) because, you know, what's the percent of... the difference between a pirate and a terrorist? they're sea terrorists, right? >> they are sea terrorists. nowadays they're just people who download illegally. (laughter) >> stephen: right. i think many of my audience might be... be... (cheers and applause) might be buccaneers. >> i keep finding and so do the press keep finding similarities.
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that say "will you play a lot of mad people or a lot of crazy them? " and at the moment, having just done "the king's speech" and "pirates of the caribbean" i've crossed the line and left the pirate world. i've betrayed the pirates and i'm now working for king george ii. who's the great, great grandfather of colin firth. (laughter) >> stephen: are you angling for a knight hood? >> (laughs) no. but then i also mentor people. i'm mentoring ryan reynolds in "the green lantern." >> stephen: are you in "the green lantern?" >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have one of the rings? do you fly around and stuff like that? >> no, i plato ma ray. i'd like to play a character called newt. it's a cool name, don't you think? >> stephen: you could play newt gingrich in the biopick. (laughter) >> not so much him but the only other newt i can think so that young girl... remember the feral
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girl in "alien?" >> stephen: you could play a feral eight-year-old. you're very... >> (laughs). >> stephen: you've won your tony, your emmy, and your oscar. >> tio. >> and you got theio. why keep acting? it seems like you've won acting? (cheers and applause) you're in it for the awards, right? that's the joy. that and doing these press junkets. (laughter). >> yeah, we can't wait. the moment you get the script from the agent you think "i can't wait for the press junket. just sitting in the room and doing 16 of these in a row is going to be fantastic!" >> stephen: this movie is 3d, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: is it harder to do 3d? is it a burden to have... >> no, i always act in 3d. (laughter) >> stephen: geoffrey rush thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) the man is geoffrey rush. the movie is "pirates of the caribbean: on stranger tides."
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in theaters next friday. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ grey goose. world's best tasting vodka.
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